Summer vacation, here I come

1 more week of school. 8 finals that HAVE to be A's

yikes

I'm confused

I just read a huge portion of the bible. I'm not religious and I'm not even sure i believe in god. Hence the lower case "g." He/she/it is not some super power, anytime "he, him, his" is used to take the place of god it is capitalized, unnecessary. Why base your life off of a book? A story. That's what it is. God didn't create stars. It wasn't his decision to have a sun, or planets of make the Earth rotate to create day and night. It wasn't anyone who decided snakes would slither on the ground. This story is describing adaptation. A snake slithers on the ground because it helps them to survive. They hide easier, can hunt their pray with less difficulty. I won't say that the story I read was dumb because that's not true, it is a good story of adaptation but that's all it is, a story. There are so many things missing and questions that I want answered. I found some things that made no sense to me.

Christianity claims that god became physical.The notion of god becoming physical is impossibility. He, who created all of physical existences, is the one being not subject to those laws. God governs all physical matter. To suggest god can become physical and be subject to his own physical laws means that he does not control the universe. A clear contradiction and impossibility.

Jesus died for other peoples' sin.Deuteronomy, 24:16; “There will not be killed fathers for sons (sins, nor) are sons killed for father’s (sins). Each man in his own sin will be killed.”According to this, the theory of the death of Jesus on behalf of others’ sins is contrary to god’s own words.

Those are the two main things that stuck out to me. Expect more to come later.

September 13, 2009

I'm just going to empty my brain. Just cuz there is a lot up there ;]

~The bears suck, as usual.

~My nails are extra long
(I'm making a conscious effort to grow them)

~Ashely Dixon is super cool

~I need a car

~I tuned my sister's toms to a Bb major triad

~Mr johnson can't handle duck duck goose
(lmao)

~rehearsal marathon used to be pointless and fun, now it has purpose and is fun

~Michael Jackson WAS attractive until he made himself look like a freak

~Matt Morely has amazing taste in music

~My mom shouldn't have gotten drunk last night if she didn't want to deal with it this morning

~the key of g minor bothers me, but I'm okay with Bb Major
(they are the same, but not really hah)

~I'm going to give ms R non stop shit when she gets back from being a mom lol

~Pink has a super raspy voice

~I'm going to get fired from my job

~I want a boyfriend.
(jh@g34#$sdfE;jh)&dfTkjhdsfH}})
[yeah he's in there^] hah

~Shannon's bike isn't at my house anymore and my garage looks like it is missing something hah

~I work too much this week

~Billy joel wins at life.

Can someone say confidence booster?

Before marching band rehearsal yesterday, Hanerhoff came up to me and said, "okay, so tell me why you have the best trumpet sound in concert band." That basically made my day. No, actually it DID make my day. Later on in the rehearsal, we were inside learning the new song and the altos had to play our part because it was tricky or whatever. So we play it and Hanerhoff points at the group of like 4 of us that I was standing in and says, "someone played it super right." He then went down the group and had everyone play it. Yeah, it was me who played it right so he had me play it a couple of times for everyone. Like 3 people told me that I had the prettiest tone on a sax they have heard in a long time. :D

SO needless to say, it's not everyone that thinks I suck terribly :D :D :D

Problems I have with myself

1. I can't keep friends

2. I bite my nails

3. I can't force myself to care about school

4. I'm too laid back

5. I don't know how to make friends

6. I tell myself I'm going to do things but don't

7. I can't talk to my mom about things

inside the head of....

In my head, I see a huge oval. It's the high way and there are lots of cars on it, but there is no traffic because all the cars are going to exact same speed. Makes sense, right? When I'm doing something I love like being at marching band rehearsal or playing trumpet or chilling in a large group of awesome people, that oval is what's going on in my head. When i sit here and worry myself sick, the smooth moving cars crash and some end up on the side of the road and there is complete chaos. Once that chaos starts, I can't stop it, no matter what I do. I will sit here for hours just being lost in my thoughts. the worst part is that putting all these thoughts in my head into words helps, but I don't know how to do that. I mean I can obviously because I'm doing it now, but this doesn't even begin to cover it.

As of this moment, there is too much going through my head, it is bringing me to tears. Loneliness, a longing for something that I can't describe because I'm not too sure what it is. But something is missing. It might be a lack of self confidence, my issue with friendship, I don't know. But there is something that constantly pokes at me and for the life of me, can't figure out.

I'm a mess. Sitting here tears running down my face by myself, causing a stuffy nose, hair a mess, disgustingly dirty room, music blaring in my ears, alarm set for 8 am, which is about 2 hours, homework not done, school starts tomorrow, a 6 hour shift at work. I can't do it anymore.

Family

I love them,


but man do they piss me of sometimes.

Hm

I should be more self confident and less worried that people are going to judge me.

I'm feeling you.

Woo! I think I'm going to buy a new trumpet...and a car. haha I love having a job. Joy asked me to go to sonic today with her, frank, Ronnie and (someone else who I can't remember) but my mom wouldn't let me go :(. I called in to work today because I had to go to the doctor. Btw this is just all the random things going on in my head haha. Jeremy makes me smile :) and Nepo gives a great hug and smells pretty amazing haha. At band, me Jeremy, Nepo and I had a threeway hug and of course Nepo then whispered, "Let's have a threesome, I'll be the sherif" I love him. Wow I got a lot of hugs today. While hugging jon, I touched his butt haha on accident and then on purpose just to mess with him.

Driving around Bolingbrook with the windows down and radio loud is super fun...when you aren't the one paying for gas hehe In order to acess my bank account, I need my mom's signature which is STUPID. But whateva. People on facebook are dumb. My radio is on right now and two stations are coming in at the same time. If I paid attentiion when Ms Noga talked about mega hurtz or whatever I might know why, but I don't :D

I owed my dad $10 so I gave it to him in all change baha. Monday is national watermelon day :D I'm going to have a lot of money in my pocket tomorrow. WHoooo. If margarita pays me grrrrrr.

The chicago cubs are awesome. My dog ate a mouse today. Good thing I wasn't home because I probably would have puked. Ugh why would he eat a mouse? That's disgusting haha. I prefer to write in purple pen than anything else. I hate pencils becuase it smears. Hanerhoff knows more about my "Love" interests than a lot of my friends do... hahahaha AWKWARD. I'll leave it at that... lol

July 29th

Band started yesterday and it was really fun. I enjoy being in the sax section but I feel out of place haha I should be a flute. Well Lucy, Dakota, Rey, and Brittany make me want to be because they all told me they miss me haha. RMB is finna be so fun this year. and I actually think this school year is going to be fun too :D


Margarita owes me $135 and Ari acted like a freaking baby today. Since Im giving Ari sax lessons, I told her what book to get, rita still hasn't gotten it so I can't give her kid anymore lessons until she has it. Needless to say, I'm annoyed with their family. Andrea also acted like a baby so I'm done with her too lol.

that's a big fat FUCK YOU

For the past couple weeks I have been trying to write a song because I don't know how else to control emotions. Writers get writers block when they can't think of anymore stories to write. I have song block. Only that isn't a good name for it. Because I know exactly what I want this song to be about, as cliched as it is, no words can express this.

I'm just gonna put it out there. I'm upset that *#$&% is no longer my friend because of her being jealous. WHAT THE FUCK. How can two people go from chilling all day after school and then talking on the phone at night to not speaking at all? It doesn't even make sense. She was worried that her friends liked me better than they did her. I don't even understand. I tried to make it better, I really did. I don't know what she wants from me. I'm sorry I'm so fucking awesome that people like me better than they do her. hah not really. but c'mon. I text her and all I get is, "I can't talk I'll text you later" but do I ever get a text? you bet not.

I made a new friend, and she's awesome. We played softball, it was cool. but she turned out to be *#$&%'s friend too. what do you know, *#$&% told her some untrue things about me, and the new friend hasn't texted me since.

Back when school was still going on, I wrote a crap song about this that sucked. Didn't help.

This is like the episode on Jonas I watched today. Nick couldn't write a song....until he had something to write about. I have something important to me, and I can't even write about it.
BLECH

Bad things.

In Jazz band the other day, we did not play. I was sitting talking with Joy (I love her) and the group behind us was talking about some ridiculous things quite loudly. They were talking about a couple and how they have been dating for a little while. This group was talking about how the guy should "Tap that already and be done with it." They were also making fun of because he didn't have sex with his girlfriend. Why is it so bad to have good morals?

I like to think that I am good friends with both people of this couple. I know that neither of them are morally unstable enough to have sex just because they are dating. Joy and I discussed how it makes us feel better about our selves knowing that we surround ourselves with people who know how to not act like morons. Just getting that out there.

Friendship.

Ever since 1st grade I have went through friends like nobody knows. I always ended up being friends with the other people who got made fun of (Yes, I got made fun of a lot) example, the baby, momma's boy, that kid everyone called gay. You name it, I've been friends with them. Being associated with them meant I got made fun of even more.

When I finally found a great friend in about 3rd grade, she moved away. Her name was Shannon Perry. She always had purple ketchup in her house. That was just the way she rolled. Then after she left, I came to be friends with this girl Alyssa who lives two houses away from me. Soon, I wasn't aloud to play with her anymore because her family did some not so great things. In 5th grade, I found a friend name Meghan. Bad choice. She was the "Baby." I got so much crap for being her friend that I didn't even want to go to school anymore. I stayed friends with her until 7th grade because I couldn't take much more. Then I met this girl named "Betty" (Betty because too many people know her). She was the most immature person I have ever met, and still is. Long story behind that but we ended up not being friends. At the end of 7th grade, I met some people who I liked and weren't totaly failures at being friends. To be honest, I could have kept those friendships if I truly wanted to.

That is a problem. I was just so used to being friends with someone for a little while and then it being ended. It's like a commitment issue, but not really. When I met Brittany and Annie, I decided they were going to be different. They didn't make fun of me. We just got along and soon they were my best friends. This was in 8th grade. They still are. But I'm worried that they aren't going to be much longer. Although, I know it's not true, I feel like we are drifting apart. We just don't see each other/talk much anymore. But when we do, it's beyond amazing. I'm going to be a better friend. (At least try)

Freshman year modern world history class, Shannon became another one of my best friends. Thank God. I love being around her. We can do things like lay on my front lawn for an hour not really talking but it's just all good. She's going to be my buddy for a super duper long time (haaha).

The beginning of sophomore year I met Sarah and began to be good friends with her. It's already starting to fail. 7 1/2 months, that fast. Is it me who is a bad friend? or is it the other people? For example, Eric, I'm getting to be great friends with him but I almost don't want to just because I will probably end up not being friends with him.

RE: I don't know who.

Today some black kids pissed me off in the hallway. To make a semi-long story short, I was polite, they were rude. I told them off, quite loudly at that. It felt great because they made me so angry, but now I ALMOST feel a little bad. Correction. I know I should feel bad, but I don't.


I want to continue this but I'm getting frustrated and my brain is starting to think. Not right now, maybe later.

I don't know who.

Teenage years are for "figuring out who you are." okay, well when am I going to figure this out? To be honest, I'm not even sure myself what/who I want to be. I take that back. I know what I want to be, a band director. I'm sure everyone knows that. Maybe, what I mean is that I don't know how I want to go about it.

How do you think of me? Am I the good quiet girl who always does her homework? Am I the person who is a ton of fun to be around? The one who can make you laugh no matter what? That one kid who is just always around?

I think that I am the good quiet girl, in general. This is only because that is what I think it "right." I am this, but don't necessarily like it. I mean I do, it's just sometimes that is not what I want to be. There are a bunch of things that I would rather be. For example, I wanna be that person who is always in the middle of the circle making everyone laugh, the "life of the party." Also, sometimes I want to be a bad kid. Like, I want to skip classes, or tell a teacher off when they piss me off; maybe even cheat on a huge test. But I don't. Why is that? Because I have parents who know what they are doing, and are pretty freaking awesome at it. I would also like to be the person who walks down the hall and has to say Hi to everyone because they have so many friends.

I don't understand why I'm thinking any of this. I am perfectly content with who I am, what I do and such because as I said before, who I am is right. When I am in my group of best friends I am all of the 'people' I talked about. Could this mean that this confusion, or whatever you want to call it, is because I'm not being my true self all the time?



(I hate when I think too much)

uh-huh

GOOD NEWS: I'm wearing my retainer

BAD NEWS: This thing hurts like a mother fucker.

satisfying.

You were my friend or so I thought
But now I know, some things are better lost
I don't believe in friendships as I did once
To me, they are none but completely dunce

How my hatred runs deep
This feeling keeps me away from sleep
Why did it take so long for me to see?
All the times you willfully wronged me

Sheep in wolves disguise you were
Deserving of an Oscar for your act to care
They crushed my feelings like an ant
As they exchanged my friendship for something so scant

How you cut me so deep
My heart knows none, but to wail and weep
Why did you sell my love so cheap?
Was my friendship not good enough to keep?

Opening Night.

Today was opening night! yayyyy. I was amazing, and I had so much fun! I love knowing that my friends care as much as they do :D. After I went a la casa de Brendan for a "pasta party and small gathering" I actually wasn't antisocial and went. Who woulda thought? and I'm really glad that I did too. It was fun just like talking to people I know but just don't normally talk to. and I found out that nepo gives a great hug ;)

I got my license today, finally. I went to the store with Dana and Ari, and then picked up Shannon for a 6 minute ride around town. (which was super fun becuase I lover her!) I have plans with 4 different people this weekend. What bothers me about that is that these people have NEVER asked me to do something. But now I have a license so I can drive them. At first I was just like oh, this is cool people actually want to hang out with me. But no. I am just annoyed by that. I don't have a problem going to pick up my close friends to do stuff but really? way to make a kid feel like poop.

Annnnyyywho, Dana's basketball game is at 9. We have to leave the house at 8:30. That is in less than 7 hours from now. Oh jeeze haha

Jul09 Jul10

I have been being a really good kid the past few weeks. I am getting (semi) good grades, I've been cleaning up after myself, offering favors here and there. And it helps that I haven't been home much lately either haha :) All this "brown nosing" has paid off. My mom likes the plan!

The plan isss..... July 9th Milwaukee concert with Shannon, Dana, Ari, my mom, and Rita. Then coming home and on the 10th, Chicago concert with Shannon, and Alysha? The 11th, having no voice :D :D :D

This will be AMAZING! <3

Music.

I love music more than anything I can think of. It amazes me that listening to one song can just change my mood like that *snaps* hahaha. But seriously I was in the worst mood ever so I decided to listen to jonas song and then it was all good :)