Summer vacation, here I come

1 more week of school. 8 finals that HAVE to be A's

yikes

I'm confused

I just read a huge portion of the bible. I'm not religious and I'm not even sure i believe in god. Hence the lower case "g." He/she/it is not some super power, anytime "he, him, his" is used to take the place of god it is capitalized, unnecessary. Why base your life off of a book? A story. That's what it is. God didn't create stars. It wasn't his decision to have a sun, or planets of make the Earth rotate to create day and night. It wasn't anyone who decided snakes would slither on the ground. This story is describing adaptation. A snake slithers on the ground because it helps them to survive. They hide easier, can hunt their pray with less difficulty. I won't say that the story I read was dumb because that's not true, it is a good story of adaptation but that's all it is, a story. There are so many things missing and questions that I want answered. I found some things that made no sense to me.

Christianity claims that god became physical.The notion of god becoming physical is impossibility. He, who created all of physical existences, is the one being not subject to those laws. God governs all physical matter. To suggest god can become physical and be subject to his own physical laws means that he does not control the universe. A clear contradiction and impossibility.

Jesus died for other peoples' sin.Deuteronomy, 24:16; “There will not be killed fathers for sons (sins, nor) are sons killed for father’s (sins). Each man in his own sin will be killed.”According to this, the theory of the death of Jesus on behalf of others’ sins is contrary to god’s own words.

Those are the two main things that stuck out to me. Expect more to come later.

September 13, 2009

I'm just going to empty my brain. Just cuz there is a lot up there ;]

~The bears suck, as usual.

~My nails are extra long
(I'm making a conscious effort to grow them)

~Ashely Dixon is super cool

~I need a car

~I tuned my sister's toms to a Bb major triad

~Mr johnson can't handle duck duck goose
(lmao)

~rehearsal marathon used to be pointless and fun, now it has purpose and is fun

~Michael Jackson WAS attractive until he made himself look like a freak

~Matt Morely has amazing taste in music

~My mom shouldn't have gotten drunk last night if she didn't want to deal with it this morning

~the key of g minor bothers me, but I'm okay with Bb Major
(they are the same, but not really hah)

~I'm going to give ms R non stop shit when she gets back from being a mom lol

~Pink has a super raspy voice

~I'm going to get fired from my job

~I want a boyfriend.
(jh@g34#$sdfE;jh)&dfTkjhdsfH}})
[yeah he's in there^] hah

~Shannon's bike isn't at my house anymore and my garage looks like it is missing something hah

~I work too much this week

~Billy joel wins at life.

Can someone say confidence booster?

Before marching band rehearsal yesterday, Hanerhoff came up to me and said, "okay, so tell me why you have the best trumpet sound in concert band." That basically made my day. No, actually it DID make my day. Later on in the rehearsal, we were inside learning the new song and the altos had to play our part because it was tricky or whatever. So we play it and Hanerhoff points at the group of like 4 of us that I was standing in and says, "someone played it super right." He then went down the group and had everyone play it. Yeah, it was me who played it right so he had me play it a couple of times for everyone. Like 3 people told me that I had the prettiest tone on a sax they have heard in a long time. :D

SO needless to say, it's not everyone that thinks I suck terribly :D :D :D

Problems I have with myself

1. I can't keep friends

2. I bite my nails

3. I can't force myself to care about school

4. I'm too laid back

5. I don't know how to make friends

6. I tell myself I'm going to do things but don't

7. I can't talk to my mom about things

inside the head of....

In my head, I see a huge oval. It's the high way and there are lots of cars on it, but there is no traffic because all the cars are going to exact same speed. Makes sense, right? When I'm doing something I love like being at marching band rehearsal or playing trumpet or chilling in a large group of awesome people, that oval is what's going on in my head. When i sit here and worry myself sick, the smooth moving cars crash and some end up on the side of the road and there is complete chaos. Once that chaos starts, I can't stop it, no matter what I do. I will sit here for hours just being lost in my thoughts. the worst part is that putting all these thoughts in my head into words helps, but I don't know how to do that. I mean I can obviously because I'm doing it now, but this doesn't even begin to cover it.

As of this moment, there is too much going through my head, it is bringing me to tears. Loneliness, a longing for something that I can't describe because I'm not too sure what it is. But something is missing. It might be a lack of self confidence, my issue with friendship, I don't know. But there is something that constantly pokes at me and for the life of me, can't figure out.

I'm a mess. Sitting here tears running down my face by myself, causing a stuffy nose, hair a mess, disgustingly dirty room, music blaring in my ears, alarm set for 8 am, which is about 2 hours, homework not done, school starts tomorrow, a 6 hour shift at work. I can't do it anymore.

Family

I love them,


but man do they piss me of sometimes.